Who needs a valentine when you’ve got a vibrator?

WHO NEEDS A VALENTINE WHEN YOU’VE GOT A VIBRATOR? - Candid Orange

Anonymous

I bought a new vibrator last week. It has 20 different settings from hard pulsating buzzes to long soothing symphonies. I told my friend how fun it was and he said “I would get one for my girlfriend, but I am scared I would be replaced.” With 63% of women (supposedly) reliably orgasming during sex, opposing the 85% of men, is it too much to ask to orgasm more often?

Out of the 21 people I have had sex with, four have made me orgasm. Yep – four. Now, I am not saying this is a complete disservice, but I have never faked it and some of these people never bothered trying. Being a women who cannot orgasm from penetration, I rely heavily on being stimulated elsewhere, whether this be from oral or with an index and thumb. The easiest and, in some ways, the most enjoyable form of orgasm for me, is from a vibrator.

So why the stigma that hangs around them? Although some may live in fear of being ‘emasculated’ or ‘replaced’, a vibrator should not be an enemy, rather a healthy addition to a sexual experience. In all my sexual encounters, from drunken fumbles to passionate long term love affairs, I have not prioritised my own enjoyment, instead conditioned to think that an absence of an orgasm during sex is ‘normal’.

Why are we not taught how to orgasm?

Secondary school sexual education lessons have a defined curriculum. Consent, sexual health, delaying sex, miscarriage, how sex and drugs can lead to risky sexual behaviour, the list is, in some areas, extensive. For both girls and boys, there seems to be a focus on the negative connotations that surround sex and perhaps rightly so; there are risks involved and young people need to understand this.

However, looking at both the RSE resources provided by the government and my own experience with school sexual education, this ‘risk-orientated’ style of teaching is undermined by the glaring lack of awareness that sex can and should be a positive experience. Why is it that we are not taught to approach sex with caution and with confidence? Why are we not taught about orgasm disparity? Why do we learn about ejaculation, but a women’s orgasm is left mysteriously out of the picture?

I lived my teenage years and early 20s with a knowledge that I have sex to pleasure men. We would have sex, he would orgasm, and I would lie content, knowing nothing better. After all, the media is saturated with dissatisfied women. Having recently watched Sex and the City for the first time during my 20s, an episode stuck in me. Main character Carrie ‘had sex like a man’ by orgasming and leaving her love interest dissatisfied as he did not ejaculate himself. Men I have had sex with have orgasmed and bolted, or fallen asleep. It’s not as if I want to be like Carrie, gaining something whilst the other doesn’t – I just want it to be more equal.

But what’s all this got to do with vibrators I hear you ask? Well, the absence of orgasm talk in sex ed could be the cause of this disparity. If men and women were taught to pleasure themselves from the offset, this orgasm inequality may change. By providing information that concerns how to pleasure yourself, in addition to how to pleasure someone else safely seems, in my eyes, like a solution.

Not a replacement, rather an accessory to the game

Call me an orgasming advocate but vibrators are fun, and if you are struggling to orgasm (whether solo or with a partner), a vibrator may be a great avenue to try.

Some women need more stimulation than what a tongue or finger can provide. It does not mean you are doing it wrong and it definitely does not mean that your partner is having a bad time. I enjoy sex and it is not all about the orgasm. After all, you can have the same amount of fun without it; it’s just a cherry on top of a really good cake. This fear of emasculation or replacement is a fear that needs to be done away with.

Sex is not just about orgasming, it’s the undressing, the excitement, the chase, the foreplay, your own personal kinks whatever they may be; it’s so much more than 10+ seconds of really good nerve sensations. Realistically, a vibrating wand fails to do many things:

  • kissing
  • oral
  • penetration
  • hair pulling
  • neck choking
  • nipple sucking
  • teasing

to name a few. A vibrator is not a replacement – more of a level up, and sex is an act where the journey can be just as good as the destination. They may not be for everyone but for me, and potentially the 37% of women who aren’t orgasming from sex, they may be your answer.

Simply, a vibrator offers a way of orgasming that is easy and effective. We have all spent 20 minutes in anticipation, hoping that our sexual partner may eventually hit the right spot as many of us have been conditioned to believing that speaking up during sex may ruin the mood. But say your partner just isn’t clitting you right that day – why not use a leg up?