The absolute most perfectly beautiful man by Sam Pollak

They had created the precise physical prototype of what was to be the Absolute Most Perfectly Beautiful Man (in) of the World. They were a team of scientists from across the globe—though they happened to be mostly from North America and Europe—who were considered among the best of their fields. The Team included: plastic surgeons, architects, engineers, biologists, psychologists, sociologists, neurologists, primatologists, immunologists, urologists, theologists, ideologists and apologists.

It was a mission considered the most top secret in the history of man (that is, since the Manhattan Project), and every Monday the leaders (in) of the World—by which I mean mostly from North America and Europe—and a representative from each department of the Team met for lunch to discuss the minutia of the project-at-hand and compare the breasts of their wives. On the very first meeting they determined that the first order of business was to name the Man, and after one quick unanimous vote, they settled on the name Adam. Adam was to be revealed to the World in only a year’s worth of time, and so for twelve months the entire Team spent all of their days hunkered over complex algorithms and machinery in a compound nestled in the high peaks of the German Alps, which was only reachable by helicopter.

Adam was manufactured to look, sound, feel, smell and taste exactly like a human, as well as to complete simple human motions like walking, sitting, dancing and fucking. The brain subsection of the Team designed his brain to possess of the psyche only the id, intentionally neglecting to include the ego and superego, therefore making him incapable of developing any sort of Self. He could not speak nor understand English or any other language for that matter—though none else were tested since English is, after all, the universal language—could not show any sort of affection or indignation, and was incapable of completing even the most basic arithmetic problems. He had the mental capacity of a puppy dog; his existence was limited to being the receptacle to others’ pleasure.

In regard to his appearance, Adam was given hair made of platinum and skin that resembled a lusterless pale gold. His eyes were made light and his nose small, and besides his head and pubis, he was left without hair. He was sculpted (by sculptors) to have perfect proportions of muscle and fat, and a bone structure that could slice bread. When he was first positioned in front of the Team to be analyzed and evaluated for any potential revisions, all members of the Team were overcome with the same intense embarrassment of struggling to hide their erections. But after many furtive glances around the room, each scientist realized that it was not just he who was having this bizarre reaction to Adam, and soon they all erupted into laughter and congratulatory pats on the backs; the rigid state of their penises was a testament to the profound potency of their creation.

And finally, just two days short of the deadline, Adam was given his last botulinum toxin injection before being flown off to Washington D.C. where the President of the United States was waiting. Immediately upon seeing Adam’s uncovered naked body, the President requested that Adam be delivered to his private quarters. Adam and his company spent the night in the White House before beginning a tour of the World—that is, mostly North America and Europe. After making one-night stops at cities such as Athens, Berlin, Budapest, Copenhagen, London, Los Angeles, Luxembourg, Madrid, Oslo, Paris, Prague, Rome, Stockholm, Sydney, Toronto, and Beijing, Adam was brought back to Washington. He had quite an exhausting trip; for every city he visited, he was placed on the stage of the city’s biggest amphitheater for hours on end, and at night delivered to the leader of the country’s bedroom. His body was thoroughly worn out, having survived nights filled with touching, rubbing, fondling, fapping and light slapping, however he still retained the absolute beauty with which he was endowed at the start of it all.

By this time Adam had become an international icon of perfection; his photos were made into effigies that were then made available for purchasing in almost every superstore and pharmacy in (of) the World—you know the story by now—and was made into virtual realities and video games. Crucifixes and Christ statuettes were found abandoned in more and more landfills, and soon Adam replaced all other religious figures. All news outlets ceased their coverage of futile affairs such as war and repression, and instead redirected their attention towards Adam.

All this nonsense soon led to what the Team of scientists were so careful to prevent. Adam began to respond to his name being said out loud. He would smile at those who spoke in his direction, and soon he began to mutter phrases in English like “thank you” and “thank you very much”. He began to develop distinct mannerisms and ways of expressing emotions. Rumor even had it that he had fallen in love with a Woman, to which the scientists and leaders of the World were appalled and enraged. In short, Adam had developed an ego.

Dr. Mengele, one of the lead physicians and pioneers of the project, was quickly notified at which he immediately called for a reconvening of the entire Team in the compound nestled in the high peaks of the German Alps. For weeks, they deliberated on what to do. Some said to refrain from any kind of intervention and instead let the experiment continue to see how far he would develop. Others were enraged by this, declaring that the whole project was ruined by his ego and that his beauty was no longer pure.

After the third week of debate, Dr. Mengele received a phone call from Adam’s primary manager with the news that Adam wanted—yes, he had begun to desire—to run for office in three different countries. Dr. Mengele’s face filled with blood and he screamed into the phone that No, Adam will not be running for office of any kind at all. This horrible news, once reaching the rest of the Team, remediated all conflict, and it was decided that Adam was to be euthanized immediately before he developed any more ego. So Adam boarded that same plane that flew him to the White House, but this time instead of being wrapped up and placed in a wooden box, he sat in the passenger’s seat with his seatbelt fastened. When Adam arrived, Dr. Mengele was waiting for him, standing just ten feet away from the landing pad with a loaded rifle aimed at his forehead.

When Adam’s limp body was brought into the compound, the scientists were once again touched by his beauty and realized that it wasn’t right to have him entirely disappear from the World. He had given humanity too much and they could not just abandon that fact. So they developed a body-length trunk to place his body in to be freezed and his beauty to be preserved. After years of freezing and chemical injections, the Team of scientists decided it was best to once again share his beauty with the entire World—you know by now—but this time only as an inanimate incarnation of what he once was.

By the time this happened Adam was practically forgotten about; Dr. Mengele had explained to the World Adam had been killed in a horrendous terrorist attack. For weeks, countries all over the World mourned his loss and held huge, multi-million dollar memorials to commemorate his beauty. Statues were erected (although some were taken down after protests claiming that the statues were a disgrace to Adam’s actual beauty) and photographs framed and hung in homes and government buildings. Slowly, however, these photographs became just another decoration on the wall and the statues just another city landmark. He was hastily written into the footnotes of history and then that was it; the World moved on without him.

But much to the World’s surprise, Adam, looking almost as beautiful as before, was uncovered once again and sold to the Smithsonian Institution where he was displayed in the very center of the Natural History Museum, replacing the male African elephant. The World came alive again. The Smithsonian experienced the most news coverage it ever had. The installation became the biggest event in all of museological history and quickly surpassed the Mona Lisa in its annual number of visits. And still to this day, Adam remains frozen in a glass case at the Natural History Museum, looking out upon the World—yes, yes, most of it—still the most beautiful site known to Mankind.  

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