Fingering: How not to leave your womxn feeling like a broken lift button

NOTE

This is an article for anyone venturing downtown on a person with a vagina. Where I have used ‘womxn’ regularly, this is not to exclude anyone whose sexual experience is orientated around their (as our mothers would embarrassingly call it) foof.

Fingering. A truly make-or-break moment of many sexual encounters. And whereas we love anyone who makes an attempt at foreplay, we really love those who get it right.

When talking about foreplay and the sexual experience as a whole with my womxn friends, it is glaringly clear that fingering is one of the great unknowns: some of us love it, some of us could really do without it.

Picture this — it’s a scene we have probably all experienced or will at some point. You and your partner are going through the motions. Things start heating up a little and the focus is turning toward getting you ready for what’s set to be (hopefully) the most fun you’ve had all day. And then, bam. They’re jabbing at you like there’s no tomorrow, a broken lift button that’s not responding to the call.

Maybe you have seen the episode on Sex Education where Otis and Ola go through this exact mishap (season 2, episode 2). Like anyone who is lacking in experience, he hops onto Google to discover the best way to go about it, coming across “the clock technique”. Safe to say, it left us both in hysterics and the least aroused we’ve been in our lives.

It can throw a whole sexual encounter off-track or even ruin it entirely. So how can this be avoided?

Foreplay relies on communication

Just ask them what they like and how they like it – it cannot be stressed enough. You could read hundreds of articles, watch all the tutorials and devour all the porn you like to be able to employ all the best lotharios’ techniques. Or you can just ask what your partner wants.

It may seem an awkward prospect at first and, of course, sometimes the opportunity may never arise to talk so candidly about it — however, discussions around pleasure are proven to make sex more enjoyable. Only last year was a study released showing that communication, whether verbal or non-verbal, improved sexual satisfaction in both men and womxn.

Some womxn do not enjoy being fingered. So, by asking their preferences beforehand, you can avoid the failed attempts at a type of foreplay that they fundamentally get nothing out of.

Communication is key to all sexual experiences. Yet, female pleasure is one of the facets of sex which, arguably, requires the most communication but receives the least.

Non-verbal communication

It is important to remember that this same study did emphasise that sexual satisfaction was increased when couples found a form of communication which suited them best, rather than being ascribed a blanket way in which to approach these discussions. Therefore, one thing to keep in mind is that sometimes being shown is better than being told.

Pay attention to what she focuses on when she masturbates, whether keeping inside or outside, as well as pace, rhythm and pressure.

There are some basic communication tips to keep in mind. If you want to read up on actual techniques to employ, read articles and magazines written by womxn. Men’s Health certainly doesn’t scream “I know how to make her cum” with its recommendation to “pull the clitoral hood up to her belly button.” (Don’t do this)

Without further ado, it’s time for the burning Q: how to finger your womxn without leaving them feeling like a broken elevator button?

How to finger your womxn: some general guidelines

  1. Foreplay to the foreplay will change the game

One of the crucial mistakes made in attempts to finger someone is “diving straight in”. However, creating lead-up before you start will not only make it better for your partner, but also make the experience more enjoyable as a whole.

Start light and focus on other erogenous zones (thighs, breasts, neck, etc) before leading down to the clitoris, and then, the vagina. It will facilitate your adventures in fingering more than any online article telling you to “caress her cervix” (don’t).

  1. Lube is not just for anal sex

This is the golden sex tip which will help in all kinds of sexual experiences. Use lube. Whether your own spit or shop-bought (water-based only, remember), never just force your fingers in dry. 

  1. Don’t always go mining for gold

The most common mistake made with fingering is the idea that you’re jamming them as deeply as possible to mimic penetrative sex. Some womxn do love a finger blasting session, but for those who don’t, focusing on stimulating the G spot will avoid an uncomfortable excavation mission. Being fingered is not a case of “the deeper, the better.”

  1. But what is The G Spot?

Now, again, some womxn won’t like all the focus on the G spot. However, for those who do, it can make all the difference.

The G spot is located on the upper or “front” wall of the vagina, an inch or so deep. Focusing on stroking and feeling the inside of their vagina, rather than prodding, poking or scraping, which will all feel horrible. The focus should be placed on the pads of your fingers.

  1. Never ignore the clitoris

And I mean, never.

  1. Wash your hands, you detty pig

In the wise words of Eric Effiong. Make sure your hands are clean and nails are trimmed down before venturing to party town. You’d be surprised how many people need to be told.

Keep your eyes P E E L E D in the future for advice on better communication.

Is there an issue in the sheets that you want to start a conversation on? Send us an email at candidorangemagazine@gmail.com with the subject “Peeled” to suggest an article to us or tell your story.

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